Sara Isner
Regional Coordinator, California
Southern California Co-Coordinator
Eleven years ago my daughter, Simone, was born. I really don’t think that she would be here today had it not been for Jane Honikman and PSI.
My husband, Gary, and I were trying to have a baby. We worked for the same company and were with each other every day. A week after finding out I was pregnant, I was laid off. There I was pregnant, unemployed and home alone - missing my husband, my job and my friends.
By the end of my first trimester, I had lost twenty pounds because I was so nauseous that I didn’t want to eat. I started experiencing insomnia and was sleeping only two hours a night. My doctors discouraged me from taking anything to help me sleep. I tumbled into severe depression and felt like I was never going to get out alive. Never had I experienced anything so absolutely all encompassing in my entire life. I don’t know where I went; it was no longer my voice inside my head. Instead a new voice would tell me what a horrible person I was and how I didn’t deserve to live. The morning seemed to be the worst because the voices started before I was consciously awake. I would cry uncontrollably. Sometimes I would intentionally hit my head to try and get the voices to stop. Simply taking a shower was too much for me to handle because the water over my head made me feel claustrophobic. I started to become convinced that I was the cause of the problem; I just needed to snap out of it.
Besides having a constant barrage of obsessive thoughts of harming myself, I had anxiety. My body shook all the time and I could never sit still. I imagined that if I cut my body lengthwise I could literally jump right out of my skin. It was like running a marathon while my body stood still. I felt that I didn’t matter, and no one would notice if I weren’t here anymore. Visions of hurting myself with knives and crashing my car into a wall were continually running through my head. I told my husband that I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted a divorce. I couldn’t understand why he still wanted to be with me.
My doctors didn’t know what to do with me because they had never had another patient who had depression DURING pregnancy. They finally agreed to put me on medication, but the only one my insurance would cover was an older medication that took six to eight weeks to work. They also suggested that I see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I called seven psychiatrists recommended by my insurance company, telling them that I was pregnant, depressed and suicidal. All but one of them told me that they were booked for months. My brother searched on the internet to find something to help me. He found Postpartum Support International. I called the number. This wonderful woman, Jane, told me that I was not alone and I was going to be okay. I believed her.
While the medication was doing its thing I still suffered, but my fighting instincts kicked in. My mother sent cards of encouragement and suggested that I write in a journal every day; at the end of each passage, I wrote the names of all the people who loved me. I made positive message signs and hung them on the walls in every room… “You are a fighter. You are a survivor. You will make it through this. Have faith.” My husband made a list of things that he loved about me. I would read it to help me remember that I was a good person. I read a daily meditation book that had positive messages in it. Every Monday, I drove 45 miles one way to a PPD support group just to be among other women experiencing the same problems. I tried to take every minute, every hour and every day one at a time. No step too big…only what I could handle. Some days were still really bad, but there were okay days too. Eventually a few good days would sneak in until I found that I was doing much better.
My problems continued through the postpartum period, but it was easier because my medication could be increased. Also, I now knew that I wasn’t going crazy. I wasn’t the only one who had ever gone through this. I knew I would get better.
Almost twelve years have passed since my experience. I can proudly say that I am a survivor.
Interview
An excerpt from a journal entry when Sara was about six months pregnant reads, “With this pathway that I have been given, I have learned so much more than I ever thought possible. I am growing emotionally as a person everyday…just like my pregnant body.”
Sara suffered from depression both postpartum and during her pregnancy; it was the toughest experience of her life. It also made the biggest positive impact on the person she is today. After her first talk with Jane Honikman, she offered to volunteer to help other women. For the past ten years she has been doing just that. She herself SURVIVED so she can relate to the women who feel much like she did: that no one understood them and there was no way they would ever feel normal again.
When she started volunteering, there were no resources to give to mothers who called, so she compiled a resource list for Southern California by scouting out anyone who knew about PPD. By word of mouth and networking she would add resources to the list that has now grown to cover many counties. Now as the Regional Coordinator for California, she is currently working on organizing all of California’s resources into one repository to make it easier for coordinators to access resource information.
Sara knows that when she reached out and called PSI having Jane there made all the difference in the world to her, and she trusts that she is making a difference too.
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Sara Isner
Regional Coordinator, California
Southern California Co-Coordinator
Eleven years ago my daughter, Simone, was born. I really don’t think that she would be here today had it not been for Jane Honikman and PSI.
My husband, Gary, and I were trying to have a baby. We worked for the same company and were with each other every day. A week after finding out I was pregnant, I was laid off. There I was pregnant, unemployed and home alone - missing my husband, my job and my friends.
By the end of my first trimester, I had lost twenty pounds because I was so nauseous that I didn’t want to eat. I started experiencing insomnia and was sleeping only two hours a night. My doctors discouraged me from taking anything to help me sleep. I tumbled into severe depression and felt like I was never going to get out alive. Never had I experienced anything so absolutely all encompassing in my entire life. I don’t know where I went; it was no longer my voice inside my head. Instead a new voice would tell me what a horrible person I was and how I didn’t deserve to live. The morning seemed to be the worst because the voices started before I was consciously awake. I would cry uncontrollably. Sometimes I would intentionally hit my head to try and get the voices to stop. Simply taking a shower was too much for me to handle because the water over my head made me feel claustrophobic. I started to become convinced that I was the cause of the problem; I just needed to snap out of it.
Besides having a constant barrage of obsessive thoughts of harming myself, I had anxiety. My body shook all the time and I could never sit still. I imagined that if I cut my body lengthwise I could literally jump right out of my skin. It was like running a marathon while my body stood still. I felt that I didn’t matter, and no one would notice if I weren’t here anymore. Visions of hurting myself with knives and crashing my car into a wall were continually running through my head. I told my husband that I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted a divorce. I couldn’t understand why he still wanted to be with me.
My doctors didn’t know what to do with me because they had never had another patient who had depression DURING pregnancy. They finally agreed to put me on medication, but the only one my insurance would cover was an older medication that took six to eight weeks to work. They also suggested that I see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I called seven psychiatrists recommended by my insurance company, telling them that I was pregnant, depressed and suicidal. All but one of them told me that they were booked for months. My brother searched on the internet to find something to help me. He found Postpartum Support International. I called the number. This wonderful woman, Jane, told me that I was not alone and I was going to be okay. I believed her.
While the medication was doing its thing I still suffered, but my fighting instincts kicked in. My mother sent cards of encouragement and suggested that I write in a journal every day; at the end of each passage, I wrote the names of all the people who loved me. I made positive message signs and hung them on the walls in every room… “You are a fighter. You are a survivor. You will make it through this. Have faith.” My husband made a list of things that he loved about me. I would read it to help me remember that I was a good person. I read a daily meditation book that had positive messages in it. Every Monday, I drove 45 miles one way to a PPD support group just to be among other women experiencing the same problems. I tried to take every minute, every hour and every day one at a time. No step too big…only what I could handle. Some days were still really bad, but there were okay days too. Eventually a few good days would sneak in until I found that I was doing much better.
My problems continued through the postpartum period, but it was easier because my medication could be increased. Also, I now knew that I wasn’t going crazy. I wasn’t the only one who had ever gone through this. I knew I would get better.
Almost twelve years have passed since my experience. I can proudly say that I am a survivor.
Interview
An excerpt from a journal entry when Sara was about six months pregnant reads, “With this pathway that I have been given, I have learned so much more than I ever thought possible. I am growing emotionally as a person everyday…just like my pregnant body.”
Sara suffered from depression both postpartum and during her pregnancy; it was the toughest experience of her life. It also made the biggest positive impact on the person she is today. After her first talk with Jane Honikman, she offered to volunteer to help other women. For the past ten years she has been doing just that. She herself SURVIVED so she can relate to the women who feel much like she did: that no one understood them and there was no way they would ever feel normal again.
When she started volunteering, there were no resources to give to mothers who called, so she compiled a resource list for Southern California by scouting out anyone who knew about PPD. By word of mouth and networking she would add resources to the list that has now grown to cover many counties. Now as the Regional Coordinator for California, she is currently working on organizing all of California’s resources into one repository to make it easier for coordinators to access resource information.
Sara knows that when she reached out and called PSI having Jane there made all the difference in the world to her, and she trusts that she is making a difference too.
Return to Coordinator’s Corner Menu