Motherhood is Me

Motherhood is Me
By Andrea Bates

Postpartum Support International Blog
March 19, 2016

Note: My daughter is now nine years old. This was written when she was younger and I thought I’d lose it if she called Mommy loudly one more time. I survived. You will, too.

Some days I wear the name Mom with pride. I find myself watching my child and feeling extremely happy. I find myself thinking, it’s amazing that I helped create, guide, and mold her. She’s me. She’s a huge part of me.

Then other days I wonder, where did this young thing COME from?

She’s all over the place. She’s so hyper! I mean, she’s really ALL over the place. Seriously. What? Where? Who? WHY!?!

And I think something like – my goodness – I swear that if I don’t get ten minutes to myself I’m going to totally lose it. I’m going to explode.

I’m hiding in the bathroom to get a few moments of down time. I’m burying my nose in a book and have the TV on for way too long.

I’m looking for something she can do on her own.

Why is it so hard for her to play by herself?

I seriously begin thinking how I wish we had another child – as in immediately – just so she’d have a playmate. I know it’s not realistic, but I conjure up the scenario in my mind to see how it plays out. It’s always better. But it isn’t happening.

Then there are the days when I think that I would love to just drop her off somewhere so she can have some fun and not need ME.

I muddle through those days. Those down days where the smallest things set me off on a tangent or leave me in a bit of a trance. Self-inflicted or prompted by an unnecessary scream or shout. And I do turn on the TV. Or the iPod. The music blares. I find her. Tapping to her own beat.

We lock eyes. From the kitchen to the living room. She comes running.

We grab hands. Spinning and dancing and singing together.

Laughing.

And suddenly, I remember. That motherhood is a journey. And the moments like these? The ones where we’re laughing and spinning and dancing and singing? These are the ones to hold on to. These are the ones we’ll remember forever.

Andrea is a native New Yorker living in NC who has become quite accustomed to wearing flip-flops year-round. A Licensed Clinical Social Worker, she works part-time, benefiting her social media addiction, and volunteers regularly for several non-profit organizations helping women in need of support. Andrea has been published on sites like Carolina Parent, Postpartum Progress, Scary Mommy and Midlife Boulevard. You can also find her at her own website, Good Girl Gone Redneck, writing about her life as a mom, her family, important causes, and incredible books you absolutely must read.

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